I see green

I love the new series, One Born Every Minute, but sometimes it is really hard to watch.  Don't get me wrong, I have laughed at this show more times than I can count and I get chills every time a baby is born.  I have cried at some of the stories as well like when things didn't go quite as planned.  The hardest emotion though is the jealousy that I feel.
It makes me angry that I still have these feelings leftover from Weston's birth but I can't seem to control them.  The good news is that they don't consume me now like they once did.
My jealousy usually happens when someone has the birth that I always pictured, which is pretty much all of them.  I feel this ache in my heart for just a few minutes whenever I hear about, or in the case of this TV show, see, a vaginal birth.  Don't get me wrong, I would MUCH rather have a healthy baby than the experience but it still hurts some times.
I really hope that with my next child(ren), I get to experience that feeling.  It makes me sad that I carried him for all that time while he was growing and developing and I wasn't the first to see or feel him on the outside.  Instead, he was placed under a warmer with people he had never known before while I waited anxiously to see him.
The doctors and nurses did everything they could to give me a good experience but a c-section will never be the same as the natural birth I so desperately wanted.
For now, I'll push that ache aside and continue to watch the show while I dream about what the future may bring.